The Desire to be Obsessed.

Today has just been a jumble of misunderstandings, understandings, hits, and misses, close calls, and connections. My life has been turned upside down, not because I've found something so entrancing that I must devote my time to it, but in fact it seems as though I cannot find anything at all to settle my mind. I want to be obsessed, I have to have anxiety, I want to experience the OCD that Shelby continuously blogs about. But no, Lisa has to focus her mind on everything, leaving it unfocused and cluttered with stuff. Stuff, stuff, and some more stuff.  I went to Dr. Sexson's office today looking for the answer, I figured if anyone was going to have the answer it would be him. And what did I find out...nothing. Yeah nothing, because in order to understand we must forget what we know. We have to detach ourselves to become attached. It is so complicated that my mind is in a knot. A very tight knot, one where you pull and all it does is make it tighter and tighter until there's no way of getting the knot out unless you cut it out entirely and throw it away. I really hope I don't have to cut that knot out and throw it away because I think there's a lot of stuff and unstuff that I want to know to help me unknot my knot. 

"And the way up is the way down, and the way forward is the way back." Eliot--Dry Salvages.

Then we were talking today in class about de-cluttering our lives. About getting ride of things in order to gain life knowledge.  And this got me to think more about the stuff that Survivor Man "needs" to survive. A few things and he can last a week in the wilds of the world. But what he always has no matter where he is, and what he "needs" to survive, he has his harmonica. A simple musical instrument that has lived in the pockets of many musical, homeless, stranded, wondering souls. And then i  begin to think, "Is this all I need in order to create order out of the chaos in my mind, a harmonica?" My dad has one on him at all times, in fact he gives me a harmonica once a year, sometimes even twice. I thought it was just a nice gesture a present to remind me he loves me. But really it was a present to simplify my life. The harmonica symbolizes everything I need in order to understand. He gives me these machines so that I can give life to my thoughts. Often times my dad tells me "Think in music Lisa, think music." My dad is extremely musical, and I am not. Well I'm not the same kind of musical as him. Music brings people together, it lightens the soul, it eases the hurt of life. I think my dad gives me harmonicas in order to gain happiness from sharing his love, music. 

But what does this have to do with Beckett, and Eliot and the decomposing of our lives, I have no idea, it just sounded like it fit, well in my puzzle it fits, now I just need to find the other pieces to make the puzzle whole. But can the puzzle ever be whole?--or are we doomed to keep searching for the missing puzzle piece? Connecting the dots has never been so complicated and time consuming. Eliot has created a festering wound in my mind of non-experienced experiences.  He has given me a reason to become obsessed, but I am hesitant to let go, to dive deeper into the no experience necessary. As Eliot sees it we do not learn from experience for life is always new, and therefore experience is unnecessary because nothing from the past can prepare us for the future. Every moment is a new beginning, and every moment past is an experience that we will never need to use, because each experience is so different from the other that there is no learning from it! AHHH yet again I am lost, confused, de-cluttering to clutter. Unstuffing to stuff my brain full of useless information regarding the now, which is the past, which is not the beginning anymore but the end, when the end is actually the beginning and the beginning though is new is actually old news because it is in the past now. 

And perhaps now, after writing through my confusion and my want to be obsessed I am obsessed! I am consumed by the filling and the pour out, the kenosis and the plerosis.  I am becoming...

~L.